today was supposed to be the day where i felt a sense of freedom. but that hasn't happened yet. instead all i feel is a heavier weight on the top of my chest. instead of getting a larger cage, i feel like i have been downgraded. i feel like instead of making my choices, people are making them for me. where to go, what to do and how to act and think. i am having difficulty breathing with the weight above me. i feel like i am drowning and i dont even know if i can swim or breathe for longer.
i have been trying to get a bigger cage but it never seems to work. people dont let me talk or they just voice their opinion and walk away. never giving me a chance to say my piece or even to consider my opinion. they say what they think and leave. and leave me there without even letting me speak or say anything. i feel like i havent made any decisions by myself without any influence for my entire life. like everything has been decided for me. they tell me things that come back to haunt me later.
nobody listens and i have given up trying. i cant be bothered to make the change. cant be bothered to try to make my opinions. i just cant be bothered anymore. i cant be bothered to try and relieve the pressure off my chest. or the constant dry throat and aching ribs. i just dont have the energy to try anymore.
the struggle is over with my white flag flying through the air.
i have to say today was one of the most funniest days that i have had in a while. joannie had an outing to celebrate her 15th birthday and let me say that it was one the best decisions ever made. we went to parramatta to see he'e just not that into you and it was a cute, sweet movie. the downside girls gushing over justin long "mac guy". his character was sweet but he doesnt look that great, does he? after the movie, we split up and went shopping. joannie got seasons 1-4 of one tree hill on box sets, black havaianas, $40 and various other gifts. i was so heartbroken when i got into jb hi-fi. i found out that season 2 of veronica mars is only $24.99 and i got it for like $40. my heart literally broke. how could the world do that to me?! i have been good this year, havent i? then some of us went back to joannies place and that is where the real fun started.
we got out the singstar and sang our little hearts out. i think i was on a sugar high because i started to dance around and people were giving me weird looks. i have some pictures from the party that i took on joannies camera but i havent gotten them yet. i will post the pictures up of joannies friends playing singstar and their scores. amy and i played stacked up on lisa while she was singing a song but i dont remember which one. i think it was against ebony but i am quite fuzzy so yeahs ... what else happened? ummms, we tried to play ddr but amy's discs were fakes so we couldnt play it. and i drank a lot of soft drinks so yeahs ... now i am feeling the effects of it but i had fun so it was all worth it. there was a lot of screaming, throwing and laughs.
OH OH! I GOT THE FRAY'S ALBUM! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D
and i know what i want for my birthday!
Labels: joannie, justin long, parramatta, PARTY PARTY PARTY, singstar
after a long process in my head (well, not really) i decided to change my url. i took the title from an all-american rejects song which follows my theme. my last url was from a jack's mannequin song.
i got bored so i decided that i should blog sometime to commemorate this great occasion. well, not really but oh well. i don't know what to do on this blog but i think i'll probably end up putting my random thoughts on this blog. but i think this year, my blog will be used for me to vent all my feelings onto.
i don't know what i'm feeling at the moment. i have all these emotions for all strange reasons. i'm feeling angry that my internet is deciding to not co-operate with me. but i don't think its fault since it's inanimate and all. but we all want someone to blame don't we? we constantly let others take the blame when it is convenient to us but when we do fess up, we don't feel the immediate amount of guilt instantly lifted off our shoulders. i guess that is what draws us to allow others to take the blame for us. that was just a weird paragraph of feelings but oh well. who reads this anyways?
i think i'm also feeling a sense of helplessness. i see people are around me who are hurting and yet i can't do anything to help them. i can't do anything to help them get through it. and in some ways, i think i might be making it worst not better for the person. i want to help them get through the problems they are having but i don't know what to do. i can give them a shoulder to cry on but i don't think my shoulder is that comfortable. i want to tell them that it will be okay and that they will get through this but i don't know if my words are reassuring them in any way. they don't seem to be getting better and i feel helpless that i can't make it better. i want to tell them that it has to get worst to get better and that the light are the end of the tunnel is becoming brighter everyday even if they don't see it themselves. i want them to know that there is a massive support group around them who are willing to drop anything for them. i want them to know that my ears are always available to listen and that they can vent to me whenever, day or night. i want them to know that they are not alone even though it may feel like it. i want them to know that laughing and smiling will heal them better than any tears can. i want them to know that when they get pass this that they will come out stronger and better than before. i want to know that i love them and i will do anything to get rid of their pain. i want to know that i am their friend and i will be forever and ever.
i'm also feeling like i'm an idiot. i've been losing so many things lately that it is not normal. first my history textbook and science homework book (if anyone has found them, PLEASE TELL ME!) are lost. then i lost my food tech. worksheet. gahhh! what is wrong with me? i think i must have done something to anger the almighty men above me or something. hopefully, i will find them soon and have a sigh of relief on my face.
the final emotion that i am feeling is sadness. sadness that my uncle passed away last week. it has reminded me of how short life is. life can be taken away from us at any given time and that we have to make the most of it. surround ourselves with people who love us. take risks that will sometimes end up bad or good. take care of ourselves so we can live for the longest time possible. make sure that the people around you know that you love them. take care of your health because ultimately your health determines your life span. my uncle started with one cancer and ultimately it ended up as 3 types of cancers. i hope that he is living the good life in heaven. and hopefully he can plead my case to the almighty ones. i know he is looking down on his family and smiling at the good memories that they held together.
well, those are my emotions. and that is the end.
bottle up old love, and throw it out to sea