must remember: STUDY !
CAUTION: THIS POST IS VERY DEPRESSING !
well , i was reading amy's post longest and 1ooth post and it got me thinking about particular things . if you havent read it , i strongly suggest that you read it before or after reading this . lol . you can just click on her link .
when amy wrote that she has changed in the past year , it got me thinking about how i have changed in the previous year . i think the biggest transition was changing schools and if i look at the change closely , i would say that it did change particular things about myself . when i first arrived , i was really timid and quiet which wasnt really like me since i was known as a loud person who spoke her mind . once i got to hurlstone , i think i got more scared of what people thought about me . it just felt weird coming into the group that i am in now since i was kind of coming into something that was already there and something that was concrete and solid to the group . my mum told me in august last year that i was coming home happier than i did at the beginning because she saw that earlier in last year , i was coming home down and maybe slightly depressed . when i first arrived at hurlstone and was just starting to get used to it , i felt this sense that i didnt really belong there and that i was coming into something wasnt supposed to be disrupted . this is starting to get slightly depressing . i think that it took me a while to come fully out of my shell and i think that i am still coming out of it . i feel more comfortable but there are times that i feel that sense of not belonging . there are still times that i feel like im disrupting something that is supposed to be kept what it was originally . but i think everyone has that feeling once in a while unless im weird and its just me .
i was also reading in amys blog , how some people pretend to be happy . i think that it would apply to me sometimes . like sometimes there is a reason behind the pretending like everyone around me is sad or depressed and i would rather pretend to be happy than actually be sad . but then there are times which i just pretend or some unknown reason . when you see everyone around you happy and laughing , you just want to join them in their happiness so you just pretend that happiness . i think that sometimes i put the face of someone happy because everyone expects it . people are used to me being happy and i think in times , i am truly happy but then are those times where doubts come in and i pretend to be happy for the sake of being the person that is there usually . but i would like to think that my true happy moments do outweigh my pretend happy moments but i dont think that i keep track of them .
i have this feeling that sometimes people fake their emotions around me . but i dont know if that is true or not . i sometimes get this feeling that people are giving the reaction which they think is the easiest and not their true one . i sometimes feel like people are being fake and arent their true self around me . i dont why but i just have this feeling that is so . ive always had this fear since i was young that even though i was surrounded by friends that they would turn around and abandon me the first chance possible since i was seen as an inconvenience . if i was really analysing my life so far , i think that , that fear has come true sometimes . i think especially during my primary life and sometimes in my high school life . like someone to me would be something close and someone that i could tell them things but once that the opportunity presents themselves , they turn their back and kind of keep me at an arms length and kind of cut me out of their life for some unexplained reason . i guess that would be one of my fears . being close to someone then them just turning their back on me or seeing me as an inconvenience .
i also think that in the last year i have become more self-conscious and my self-esteem has lowered slightly . i remembered being in primary school and year 7 where i didnt care about what i did or what i looked like because i was sure of myself and what i was . but then as the years progressed , my self-confidence about myself and who i was lowered . i became unsure about what i was doing and my purpose . i also became more aware of what other people thought about me . i know that you are not supposed to care about what other people say but to me , it does affect what i think about myself . i guess that it did affect me in that i became more within myself and i started to become more distant at times . i think that now , i am trying to bring it back up but i think that i still dont know what im doing or what i am supposed to . i hear people telling me what i should be doing but i dont know if that is really what im supposed to be doing or not . it is just too confusing .
i feel like sometimes im not normal . like i see people around me and i dont feel or do anything remotely like what they are doing . when girls talk about who they like or guys for that matter , i have this feeling like 'why arent i feeling something like that?' and it just feels weird not feeling that way or having what they have . i dont know if that makes sense and if it doesnt do not despair . lol . i think that was my first one of my whole post . it just seems weird .
this is post is kind of depressing to me and i think that it is my most in-depth one than the others that i have done since the others were all about my daily routine .
well , i think thats the end of my post .
HAVE A GREAT FRIDAY PEOPLE !
Labels: amy ford